Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He passed out mid-signature
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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