Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
