I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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