i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
