census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
