peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
