shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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