she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
