guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize