my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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