It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize