we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
