I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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