Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
