I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Vodka?
Forever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
