im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
