The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
