He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
