I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
