I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I want to fling myself into the sun
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
