I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
