I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
