if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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