I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
