Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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