i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
