Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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