Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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