I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
