Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My dick has a subreddit
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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