Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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