True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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