Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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