Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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