i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
