It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize