My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
