It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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