Those balls look pretty dangerous.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
