Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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