hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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