u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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