wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
