you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
