I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
