Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
