apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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