Do you still have your period?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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