a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
