so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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