In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
