I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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