please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
