I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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